Communicating via email or instant message before meeting in person doesn’t always cure this problem. Some online communication is a good thing, the researchers say, but too much of it can skew expectations and ultimately sabotage a match. People tend to read too much into emails and other online conversations, which increases the potential for misunderstandings and disappointment, they point out.
Some services, such as eHarmony and PerfectMatch.com, claim to minimize the guesswork involved in online dating by using mathematical algorithms to match couples according to various traits—including, in one case, the ratio of index- to ring-finger length (said to be a marker of testosterone levels).
The authors of the review are skeptical of these claims. They weren’t able to find a single rigorous study showing the effectiveness of the algorithms, and other research suggests it’s extremely difficult to predict the likelihood that a relationship will succeed before two people meet.
“Not only is there no scientific evidence, despite the claims, [but] my team of co-authors have become pessimistic that there could ever be in principle an algorithm that could match people well based on the approaches these sites take,” Finkel says.
To make matters worse, Finkel and his colleagues say, these algorithm-based services may encourage a counterproductive “destiny” mindset that prizes initial compatibility over other factors that are important to the long-term health of a relationship, such as the social and economic support individuals offer each other, or their ability to cope with stressful life events.
“Certain sites promise much more than they can deliver, and by inducing people to search for that perfect soul mate, they may actually be undermining the very thing [people] most want,” Reis says.
None of this, however, means that online dating isn’t a good way to meet people. The review stresses that websites are a valuable resource for daters—as long as a person doesn’t put too much stock in the profiles or matchmaking claims.
Finkel, for one, advises online daters to identify promising partners and move the conversation off-line as quickly as possible.
“Don’t assume that more time spent browsing profiles is going to improve the odds of meeting someone who is really compatible,” he says. “Be as quick and haphazard as you want with that process, because it’s not meaningful.”
Instead of poring over more profiles and comparing height, weight, occupation, and interests, send a note to a potential date suggesting you meet for coffee or lunch (in a public place), and use that time to get to know the other person, Reis says.
“Don’t focus on evaluating that person,” he says. “Can you laugh with that person? Can you feel simpatico with that person?”
As Finkel puts it, “There’s probably never going to be a substitute for getting two minutes from another person across a cup of coffee.”
